flower and pillow

Chapter 9

The conversation that went deep enough with each other seemed to be a flash in the pan. Cheng Biyun deliberately didn't want to bring it up again. When looking for He Pei, he would always talk nonsense and share his life with her. "The enthusiasm also subsided, and more or less returned to the previous passivity, but it was not so cold.

Cheng Biyun still needed someone to pass the time, so that she would not be so cramped during the boring time, so she didn't care much about her attitude.She finds her, she chats with her, it's perfect enough.

It's just that she always ignores that people's desires will grow like a sponge.

He Pei responded to her, this is a drop of water, soaking a corner, and more and more needs and desires will spring up like mushrooms after rain.

She gradually began to care about whether the other party paid enough attention to her, cared about how quickly she responded to her chat with her, cared about how she didn’t say anything and disappeared for a while without reporting the reason, and cared about whether the other party would not comfort her when she complained. Soft words, calculations and calculations, all kinds of calculations quickly drove her crazy, and at midnight again made her heart devoured by ants, and the swollen dark desire grew ghostly thorns to bind her tightly.

Maybe she loved her because she felt pain and hatred and deep suffocation.

She has to restrain herself from these endless and strong enough desires, she knows that she always holds a knife in her hand, and she will definitely hurt people if she wants anything, and she doesn't want them to make too much trouble, she also needs someone who can talk .

The romance left over from her youth has not been wiped out by the bleak college life. She knows what pleases people, so she gave her flowers for He Pei's birthday in March, but the dark emotions in her heart were planted in those people through time and space. Unopened soil.

Flowers are mortal.

If you don’t water it, you will die, if you have too much water, you will die, if you are sick, you will die, if there is no sunlight, you will die, if the sun is too strong, you will die. How fragile and vulnerable, but the flowers on the top of your head are so flattering.

How similar to her rotten and hypocritical mentality.

— It is better to die.

After she dies, she can justifiably tell herself that He Pei doesn't care about her, and that all her desires can't be grasped by loneliness. In fact, they don't get along at all, and they are just temporary conversationalists.

Then she can let herself no longer have any hope for her, and get real relief.

She thought that the breakup text message in the second year of high school would relieve her, but it didn't at all.It was more like the beginning of a nightmare, which made her restless for the rest of her life without a real solution, and she could only temporarily cease the war by escaping and forgetting.

But He Pei cared about those flowers very much, even Cheng Biyun thought he cared more than himself.She began to get annoyed again, unreasonably thinking in her heart that He Pei didn't take good care of those succulents so withered, and there was no other reason, but she never said it clearly, her words were particularly detached and rational, and she also had a free and easy joke.

Not up or down, stuck in the middle.Not dead, disabled.More occasional, more ironic.

The topic of those flowers in the future, He Pei, is finally willing to come to an end, because there is nothing to talk about.Take them out again and cultivate them separately, and only time will allow them to recover, and there is no use in rushing.

As a result, daily topics filled the entire dialogue box again. Cheng Biyun laughed and scolded very lively, but He Pei's responses were sometimes not timely enough.

Calculate.

Those various calculations began to pile up, like bones emerging from the water.

"You ignore me! Don't you love me anymore! Hey!"

It's this kind of joke-like truth again, and it's cowardly and dark temptations, sugar-coated bullets.Cheng Biyun was deeply frustrated, because of his inability to control himself, and also because of his secret expectations, but his heart beat like a drum.

But she waited for a long time.

"No way! Baby, I love you so much!" He Pei also replied jokingly, explaining: "I'm watching a movie with my roommate."

joke.right.Truth can be a joke, a joke or a joke.

They are all attached.

Cheng Biyun couldn't look at this problem rationally. She only knew that she was not rational enough, but she refused to think about it. She hurriedly responded with a slap face and closed the dialog box, doing other things to change her mood.

She is wrong.It's not right.She can't be so unreasonable.She should be more mature and sensible, and not put pressure on the other party, they both need freedom.She can't want to control the other party, can't force the other party, and can't release her dark emotions. She has to be able to be calm and easy to get along with.

Oh shit--

It's because she didn't control herself.

In the future, Cheng Biyun will still send the words "You ignore me, do you not love me", but she doesn't pour her heart into it, and the joke turns into a joke after all, it's just a way for her to get the attention of the other party, and she is less weak s things.

Life is still like this day by day, chatting, laughing, worrying about and blaming yourself for not worrying about it, homework, games, eating, sleeping, every day is different but the same.They will still talk about esoteric or profound topics, involving He Pei's psychology major or Cheng Biyun's design, He Pei's figure skating or Cheng Biyun's papercraft, He Pei's family problems and Cheng Biyun's family problems.

Family issues are a big issue, and both of them can have a lot to say in this regard. He Pei is still trying to resolve the conflicts between parent-child relationship, especially father-daughter relationship and parent-parent relationship. Whenever he is offended by family members, he will come to Cheng Biyun To vent, Cheng Biyun's family problems have become a thing of the past—a "past tense" that can't be solved at all and can only be put aside.

The injury between her and her mother was too deep, even though it was much milder now, the scars were just narrow and hideous scars left by the peeling off of the scabs.

Cheng Biyun's desire for control seems to be inherited from her mother, who is arbitrary, violent, and violent. Cheng Biyun's desire for control is only at the level of a little white rabbit in front of her mother, gentle and harmless, and her mother is the perfect one.Physical violence, mental violence, belittling, ignoring, demands, harshness, indifference, stubbornness, and all these Cheng Biyun found out after going to university because of "too much love"—it turned out to be "too much love".

Her mother was too afraid that she would go astray, that she would not become a talent, and that she would be hurt, so she beat her with a stick and sternly. As long as she studied well, she didn't have to do anything, and all her friends didn't get good grades. If it is good, it must be leading her badly.

so suffocating.

Even though she figured it out, she still couldn't accept it.It's not that I don't understand, it's just that I can't accept it.Fortunately, she is a stubborn and strong child, who is rebellious, and she is under pressure to have a big fight with her mother, and finally regain some freedom, but even if these things have a triumphant ending, they will still be painful. of.

He Pei, on the other hand, unintentionally dug up the scab, claiming to examine and evaluate calmly.

It was a weekend night, all of Cheng Biyun's roommates had left, and she was the only one left in the dormitory. Such an environment actually made her feel at ease, and it was correspondingly easy to expose herself.The cause of the incident has nothing to do with any of them, it is a relative of He Pei, who has a similar temperament to Cheng Biyun's mother, and Cheng Biyun's mother has become more gentle and gentle since she went to college, but that relative of He Pei is still cruel .

At the center of the discussion was the friend's mother.

"A relative of our family came to complain to my mother why her daughter didn't communicate with her, and she didn't talk to her all day at home, and she was cold. My mother knew everything about their family, so it was hard to say. She was also very stubborn. In the end, she She just said don’t worry too much about it, but she still didn’t listen, and started to say that her daughter will have to take the civil service exam in the future, and she must pass CET-[-], that she must at least find someone with a house to marry, how much monthly income, and other things It doesn’t work, it’s the best life like this. I’ve seen her daughter before, she’s not in good spirits, she’s always been gloomy and introverted.”

Cheng Biyun's face turned cold, and he gloated a little distortedly.

"It deserves it. Who is to blame for her daughter not resisting herself? This mother doesn't realize what she is doing at all. Isn't it conniving if she doesn't resist? She chose it herself."

"Not everyone has the courage to resist like you."

"So I'm free now, and she's still in custody."

"They lack communication, and they don't have to make such a fuss."

"What's there to say? You won't be able to listen to it. Just wait and see. After she gets married and has a family, she will still have to be taken care of. She's a walking corpse. She deserves her mother's dog, her husband's maid, and her child's wallet all her life."

He Pei didn't speak for a while, and asked again: "How is your relationship with your mother now?"

"Just like that, she sent chicken soup to me on WeChat every day and successfully learned a lot of rubbish. She often called me every day like checking the post, and she was done perfunctorily. There is nothing to say. Anyway, she doesn't care about me like she used to. I am very comfortable. .”

"Don't you hate her?"

"What's the use of hating her? She's old, and I'm going to enter the society. She doesn't force me now. Does it make sense for me to treat her badly or hate her now? She is still my mother, and I am still her daughter." , What can I say about my childhood experience except that I deserve it? Can I choose her? I still have to be responsible for her and raise her, because she is my mother. I can’t love her.”

"Have you tried to communicate with her?"

"I tried it when I was in high school and she was so moved that I 'grew up', and then refused all my requests, and it was the same as always, and then I started hurting her to get a little freedom, and she cried and said she loved Me, she didn't want to control me, and my grandma also chimed in, saying that being a mother is not easy, and you will know when you become a mother in the future. What can I say? You are wrong in the whole world, because you don't understand mother's painstaking efforts, So I have to bear the burden of my own experience, saying no is rebellious and unfilial, what else can I say except that I deserve it?"

Cheng Biyun began to open her mouth, spit out the coldness and pain stuck in her throat, suppressed her voice, sucked her nose, the traces of tears on her face became hot and then cold - this was a habit she was forced to develop when she was a child, because she always When she cried, her mother beat her and scolded her not to let her cry, but she was still young and couldn't control it, so she had to silence her voice so that she would not be beaten.

She totally deserves it.

"Can you stop blaming yourself like that? It's not your fault. Is it helpful for you to think this way for a problem that already exists?"

Cheng Biyun closed his eyes, took a deep and trembling breath, trying to take back the liquid in his eye sockets, but it all fell down in a blink of an eye.

She deleted He Pei's friends.